Distrust: Fear or Danger : Which is it?

I heard someone say this the other day, and I can’t remember who, but it stuck in my brain…

“Fear is a construct. Danger is a reality.”

That has so many levels. Ya’ know?

It’s about not being afraid of what isn’t real. I could talk about what’s not real all day and night. I could tell you every fear I have. Most of them are not actually things that will happen. Fear is all in your mind.

Danger is real. You really can fall off a cliff if you are fucking around at the edge of a cliff. See danger. Notice it. It’s about acknowledging and accepting what is, factually, real ; preparing for it, training for it. Healthy respect for actual danger.

But, when you live in the world I live in, it’s really hard to tell the difference between the two. Today, that not knowing is plaguing me.

Trust. That’s a big deal in my world. Without trust between me and another human, there is nothing. That did not used to be the case. Up until recently, I have given my trust away as if it is free, as if it doesn’t matter. I trusted with never being given a reason to and even when being given every reason NOT to trust. I thought I was doing right. I thought that is what being good meant. I thought to mistrust was evil or mean, when you barely know someone. I know now that really, I had it all backwards.

Trust is a gift for those special people
you CHOOSE to give it to. It is not a guarantee or a right.

Trust. Is earned. Some people are trusted simply because they exist, like a baby trusts its mother. It’s natural. But, even a baby will learn to not trust that mother if she does not do her job. I never learned what to do before trust was earned or how it was earned. Trust was never modeled for me as a child. I didn’t know that you could walk away from someone because you can’t trust them, even if you love them. I didn’t know WHAT the “rules” were for AFTER trust was broken, either.

There are very few people whom I trust. None of them are “myself”. Why? REASONS. Lol. Short answer: I’ve been through a lot. It messed me up a lot. I don’t always know my own reality and have to check with my videos, notes, text messages, and those I DO trust, to inform me of what is real. It’s a funny thing, to not trust yourself at all. So those I do put my faith in, I put absolute faith in. There is no room in my life for anyone who isn’t able to be truthful with me.

I think people would agree with me, there is zero reason for telling me something that is not true. That is a risk free behavior. I can agree to disagree. I have seen and done a LOT in my life, which lends me a mindset that is flexible and doesn’t judge. Even if you lie to me and I find out or you tell me, we can work through it. I’ve always been this way.

Until now. There is, in fact, a line a person can cross that is no longer okay. I will NOT be manipulated. I will not have my emotions yanked around. I will not be talked into things. I will not simply agree with someone, to avoid a conversation. I will not be TRICKED. I will not tolerate being used as a weapon against someone else. I will NEVER be a pawn in someone else’s game, never again.

I need people around me that I can rely on, when I am not okay. Those people must have my trust. Must. So that I can be safe. Maintaining my quality of life, means KNOWING that people have my back. Like I have thiers. MY heart isn’t a toy, my emotions are not strings to pull, to puppeteer me. I am human being, real, living, breathing, and trying desperately to heal before my life is over. I have feelings. I want to know what it is like to be alive and loved and not TERRIFIED of the people around me. To live in peace.

I will no longer give implicit trust to someone who hasn’t proven they can be trusted. I will not jump in to save a drowning person I barely know. I will not get super close and reveal my vulnerabilities in the first month of knowing someone. Ive done those things all of them, and more, because I have a good heart, because I don’t see the bad things in a person when I meet them, only the beauty of that soul. Because I never want to see anyone else in discomfort if I can help. Because it’s the “right and good” way to be, open and sharing with others. Maybe it is “right”. Maybe this means I’m not a “good person”. But, I feel okay about this decision. I have been doing the self sacrifice game my whole life to every single person I meet. Most of the time, what I get back is heart ache. I can’t take anymore. So, I’m done.

No. Not with people. I’m done with not protecting myself, with worrying so much about someone else, and scrambling to meet their needs, while they play on my emotions to make me jump through rings of fire just to keep my in a heightened, negative emotional tornado. I’m clumsy and prone to being very flammable. This doesn’t work for me anymore. I can barely keep myself afloat many days.

Does that mean I’ve finally become jaded? I don’t know. My youngest, who is now 17, informed me that I’m ALLOWED to be that way for a while, to be angry. He said that it’s okay to feel all the feels about it, even the ones that make me think I’m a bad person. He also said it should only be for a while, as I heal, as no contact gets easier. He was concerned that my “sparkle is missing.”

That’s what started the conversation. Oh my kids know me too well. He believes that if I allow myself to feel those emotions, the bitterness I feel will fade and leave behind the memory so I don’t forget to protect myself. It’s amusing, but awe inspiring, that my wonderful kid, already knows these things. It’s sad that he has had to learn them by watching me go through my shit. I do hope that it will guide him to not make the same mistakes I have.

I do not like how I feel these days. Like there is something sickly, dark, and pulsing inside of me. But, I think it will get better.

This is the first time I have ever directly shut the door on a relationship with no explanation or opportunity for any further manipulation. I don’t like how I feel. But, I am glad that I have learned enough and worked on myself enough to FINALLY see the patterns and run like hell from the red flags. Because I used to see the whole world through rose colored glasses. When you live that way, the red flags don’t look red.

Through rose colored glasses,
the red flags aren’t red.

So, I’ve temporarily switched out my rose colored glasses for green ones. The same concept applies, right? I don’t want ANY flags for a while. I don’t even want to see green ones. I’m staying in My Castle, taking the time to find myself again. To heal. In time, I will change out my glasses for crystal clear lenses. But, for now, I really just want to be in the peace of my solitude outside of my very small circle. I don’t mind it being small. Because I trust everyone in it, implicitly with my life, and the lives of the others in the group.

Why then am I posting it for the world to see? I don’t even know you, right? Because I hope it will be helpful or useful to someone someday and because I’m also over worrying about what the people of the internet might think of me. I want to tell my truths. I don’t really care if anyone reads it or likes it. I don’t care if someone hates it, either. Leave a mean comment or such and I will simply delete it. I don’t give a rat ass if people don’t like me or think I’m wrong or don’t think I’m a good person. This helps me to process, the writing, the sharing, helps me to understand myself more deeply and get over being afraid someone won’t like me. But, the only important reason I need to give anyone is “…. Because I want to.”

I know that my mind is always afraid of ridiculous things. However, I am particularly afraid of being manipulated or tricked. That is reality. That is a REAL danger. I need to learn how to guard against it and turn it away before it ever has a chance to open its mouth. That is what I am working on.

Don’t worry. I can’t hide my sparkle for very long. If I do, someone in my family will dump glitter on my head and that will be the end of that.

If you can’t find your inner sparkle, it’s fine. Amazetsy has plenty you can buy. 😉

To All of You, From All of Us, here at:

~ Chrys’ NeighborHead ~

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

One Law?

If you had the power to change one law, what would it be and why?

Before a certain court decision recently, I would have said Marijuana Laws. All of them. The whole country. But, now, there is something that, as important as I feel medical marijuana is (yes I’m a patient who has a “prescription” and uses the local dispensary. ), the overturning of Roe V. Wade is more important than anything else in my opinion.

I have children. Some of them are ASAB Female. Some are transgendered. Some are in non-heteronormative relationships. Some of them love people who are ASAB female. Actually, ALL of them do. Don’t you? Don’t you have at least one person with female sex organs whom you love? And what about the ASAB Males who also make use of services that are provided by all the resources that freedom provides them? I’m not a male so I don’t know specifics but I do know that they receive health services at clinics that also provide the female services that people want to not allow.

It scares me that such a thing could occur in OUR society. For so many reasons. I am afraid for our children. Because if THIS can happen, what’s next? It’s scary to know that our country walked BACKWARDS with that one ruling. I’m not going to write about this more, because I am aware I don’t have the knowledge to write a piece about LAW. But, as a human being and a person with the organs of one, this affects me. It affects every one. Every single person.

Because everyone loves at least one female. Because everyone deserves freedom and the right to CHOOSE what is best for them.

To All of You, From All of Us, here at:

~ Chrys’ NeighborHead ~

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

Art!!! Friday through Saturday and some chit chat.

Hello friends and strangers!! I’m back!!

Friday, January 26th, 2024

More Cake! Never enough cake, right? Unfortunately, I had technical difficulties this day and none of my times lapse footage for this session was usable.

The art has been slow the past few days. The reason for this is two fold: weather has got me moving slower and some brain fog going on, and the Spoons I have had, I have been putting in to “active work”. Cleaning, organizing, getting stuff done that has been waiting for a very long time for me to be mentally stable and physically able enough to get them done. I’ve had a meds change of sorts, so I am trying to adjust to that and using more non-prescription methods for handling the symptoms.

I am quite shocked some days, especially lately, at the levels of energy and focus and physical ability I have had the last couple of weeks, despite (or maybe because of) the meds issue. Especially during this time of year. But, it might also have something to do with my New Year’s resolution. I haven’t talked about that just yet. I’ll get there. But, I do a one word resolution every year since 2016. This years word is :

“UNCOMFORTABLE”

So, perhaps that is lending me a little bit of extra “GO”. Or maybe it’s just a lack of external chaos in my life. Who knows? Certainly not me. All I know is I’m doing really well on the home front, as far as cleaning up, declutterering, and reorganizing every space in my house, and in my cube. Don’t worry though. I do art every single day. I just have to be wise about where my abilities are in every moment and put the energy where I can.

I also started on a trim on my hair. I’m not satisfied yet. I take off tiny amounts until I like it. I don’t WANT to trim off as much as I am going to have to. But, it will grow better once I do. My hair is longer than it has been since before I met my husband in August of 1997. I almost always do my own hair cutting, and coloring. When I don’t, I regret it. I’ve done the layers already. I just need to take the remaining damage off at the bottom. So, I want to cut it blunt across the back. I don’t usually do this. But, as long as my hair is, I think it will work out well.

Saturday, January 27th, 2024

Ahhh. Yes. Thats good ‘nuff. Time to erase it all and draw it again. Does that sound strange? Well, me too. Me too. In fact, it’s been said that I am more of a subtractive artist than an additive artist. I’m still trying to figure out how to EXPLAIN that. However, I have it on good authority that most artists draw this way so….. you’ll see in the timelapses, that I use the eraser as much as the actual pencil. I AM working on learning how to do better video and such. Bear with me, I’m “doing it badly” until it starts to come out right.

I have been working on this little project for a few YEARS. That’s what I said. Years. I often start projects, and run into some kind of barrier to completing them. Usually, it’s because I LOSE something that I need for it, and once I find it, I’ve lost some other part of the project. That WASNT the case for this project. Lol. What occurred was I couldn’t figure out HOW to fix the glass. I bought this from the dollar tree. It’s a shadow box frame. The goal was to simple put a cute background in it. Then, I wanted to paint the frame. In the process of doing this, the paint on the glass got scratched. I tried various ways to fix it. But, I couldn’t get a good match on the color. So, I pulled out all of the white/cream nails polishes. Not only did they not match, but the nail polish actually REMOVED more of the paint and made it look worse. So, I put it aside until I could find a solution.

The solution I came up with: I’ve been using blue masking film with my art for a while now. An example:

This was a Kit and Clowder class I completed in April last year. I use the film to protect the paper from my incessant smudging. Especially with waxed based mediums. Cutting out the portion I working on, allows and then replacing it, allows me the freedom to get messy. I enjoy messiness as long as it doesn’t ruin my work. This is the same masking film I am using on the glass.

The issue was “how to fix the paint” without losing the image. Solution: blue masking film. Cut out the image. Now, I’m going to remove the paint with some acetone and repaint it. The masking film will, prevent the paint from getting on the cup and letters. I have several options for repainting it. I have acrylic paint, nail polish, and even some (old. I don’t know if they are still good.) Gallery Glass Paints.

I don’t know how this part will come out, yet. This is my favorite part of all things creative. Not knowing exactly what you are going to do, and just sitting down and letting the creativity FLOW. It’s one of those, pull out all possible options, and just get “messy” and see what happens. However, the frame itself is white. And the background I made so long ago, is cute, but I don’t know if it will match whatever I do with the glass. Plus, it’s a little wrinkly from sitting around all this time. So, I may redo it. It’s currently looks like this:

Background

And the frame looks like this:

Frame

So, once I see what the glass looks like when I’m finished, I’ll know if I need to redo the background. Which is just cardboard with a cute piece of scrapbook paper, covered with glittery (of course) mod podge. Once the glass is done and the background maybe redone, I will put it all back together, with the addition of fairy lights inside the frame. I MAY add some pieces of paper quilling to the inside or even the outside of the frame. I have tons of pieces that are stored away that might fancy it up. But, that is just a maybe.

I’ll be back with an update at the end of the day. I’m thinking I will post this tomorrow, Monday. I’m thinking of doing two posts a week with art stuff. Maybe Wednesday or Thursday for week days. And then, Monday, for what I do on the weekend. I will eventually be posting much more than art stuff. But, I’m taking this as it comes, as my spoons allow. I’m also writing this post as I go, to make it easier on myself.

I’m also staying here, on WordPress. I know in the past, these posts have crossposted to other social sites, including some I did NOT mean for it to. (Ahem. Tumblr.) So, they MAY still be going to other places, but I’m not checking those or being on them right now. I’m just staying here. Eventually I WILL set up things to cross post correctly. So, if you are seeing this elsewhere, and want to comment, you should probably come here directly, because I most likely won’t see it on another platform for a while.

Sunday, January 28th, 2024

I started out the morning, completely unfocused. It happens that way sometimes. Especially when I don’t sleep well.

I have spent the day :

Creating a white surface to lay under my work when I’m filming. I used foamcore board (I can make nearly anything out of foamcore board. lol.), double sided tape, a few sheets of plain printer paper, and packing tape. I did a great job and made it sit perfectly inside the tapes lines. The thing is, I created it to cover the camera angle the camera was currently in on the mount it was on. So, it’s perfect. Though I know it won’t last for long. It’s white paper and I’m a clutz.

A few pieces of used foamcore board.

Complete!!

Perfect!!!

And THEN….. the camera mount sort of fell over. And my dear hubs asked me, “why are you using this one when you have the big over head one here?” My reply: “Well, because at the time, I had no way to see what was happening on the video, because the over head was … over my head. So, I moved it to the tabletop mount, so that I can see it by just standing up. But, I have been setting up and fiddling with my remote filming app today, so, we could just move that one back up there because I’ll be able to see it now.”

So, we decide to move it back up. In doing so, I realize that my white background no longer fits the frame. So, I’ll have to redo this or make another one. For now, I have just put white paper under it, to cover the rest of the video area. until I make another one or something.

As I just said, I spent a long time working with my remote video app, getting everything set up and reconnected and that took a while. I’ve set it up on four of my devices now. That’s the main two cameras, selfie and overhead, and my main phone as well as my A/V device.

I also spent a ton of time cleaning and organizing today. My hubs lovingly put together another tall shelf for me today, because as I clean, I need places to store things until I get an area clean to move things back into. The new shelf is halfway full already. I’ve also done laundry, cleared off the dog kennel so we can downsize his massive kennel and the kitchen counter that has been inaccessible and covered in plastic sheeting since my last rainbow hair dye project in February of 2021, is now cleared and the plastic removed. I also worked on the reorganization of my closet shelves, including getting rid of anything I don’t wear, isn’t comfortable, torn beyond saving, or that is no longer approved for wearing.

That’s a lot of clothes. Over 50% of my folded clothes have been thrown in the trash, or donation piles. I bought some small baskets. (Some = 6 packs of 5 of one size and 12 of another size.) They will be used to sort my clothes in my closet. I’ve been looking for the right baskets to do this part of my closet for EVAH! So, I’m making sure I get all my laundry washed. So, I can clean out everything. Next is my hanging wardrobe.

Baskets, SMALL baskets. I can’t wait to show you all my NEW way of “folding and putting up laundry”. Confession: of all the chores in the world, I’ll do almost ANYTHING before I do LAUNDRY. I HATE IT. Especially the folding and putting away. But, I recently read a book that has really changed my whole outlook on chores. All chores. So, I decided to test it out on the most difficult thing, the first thing I chose to apply this new wisdom to was LAUNDRY. If the new thinking in this book can help me get through this task, it will be a miracle. So far, it’s going pretty well.

Finally, I returned to my art when I could find some focus. I removed the remaining masking film, and then I used acetone, to remove the paint around the film. I had to rinse it in water a few times. Then, I wiped it squeaky clean with rubbing alcohol. I thought I was done with that part. Nope!!! Because in art, things go WRONG. It’s just a fact. Creative types don’t just create their craft, they have to do some serious critical thinking when something goes awry.

No more paint!!!!

The low tack adhesive on the masking film, was affected by either the acetone or the isopropyl. The edges of my film, started to lift up and curl. The curling makes me think acetone was the problem. (I also had to take off my nail polish.) At first, I tried to tape OVER them and cut around to remove the extra tape. If I had used my brain, I would have realized that wouldn’t work sooner than I did. lol. I ended up using double sided scotch tape, and lifting up the edges that were peeling, I placed the tape under the peeling edges and then cut around the film to remove the extra tape. That worked well. Huzzah.

Oh NOOOOEEEEESSS! The edges are peeling up!!!

Double sided tape!!! Back in business!!!

By the time I finished with the art mayday, I was tired. So, I’m going to leave this post here. I wanted to publish it yesterday, however, it was just a bad day and I didn’t finish it.

More to come later in the week!!!

To All of You, From All of Us, here at:

~ Chrys’ NeighborHead ~

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

Being a mom is hard…

We learn so many lessons as parents. Children always teach us more than we teach them. The hardest part for me, is that you never really know what you are missing, until you already missed it.