personal story – Anticipating Procrastination by Chrys Albarado

Distrust: Fear or Danger : Which is it?

I heard someone say this the other day, and I can’t remember who, but it stuck in my brain…

“Fear is a construct. Danger is a reality.”

That has so many levels. Ya’ know?

It’s about not being afraid of what isn’t real. I could talk about what’s not real all day and night. I could tell you every fear I have. Most of them are not actually things that will happen. Fear is all in your mind.

Danger is real. You really can fall off a cliff if you are fucking around at the edge of a cliff. See danger. Notice it. It’s about acknowledging and accepting what is, factually, real ; preparing for it, training for it. Healthy respect for actual danger.

But, when you live in the world I live in, it’s really hard to tell the difference between the two. Today, that not knowing is plaguing me.

Trust. That’s a big deal in my world. Without trust between me and another human, there is nothing. That did not used to be the case. Up until recently, I have given my trust away as if it is free, as if it doesn’t matter. I trusted with never being given a reason to and even when being given every reason NOT to trust. I thought I was doing right. I thought that is what being good meant. I thought to mistrust was evil or mean, when you barely know someone. I know now that really, I had it all backwards.

Trust is a gift for those special people
you CHOOSE to give it to. It is not a guarantee or a right.

Trust. Is earned. Some people are trusted simply because they exist, like a baby trusts its mother. It’s natural. But, even a baby will learn to not trust that mother if she does not do her job. I never learned what to do before trust was earned or how it was earned. Trust was never modeled for me as a child. I didn’t know that you could walk away from someone because you can’t trust them, even if you love them. I didn’t know WHAT the “rules” were for AFTER trust was broken, either.

There are very few people whom I trust. None of them are “myself”. Why? REASONS. Lol. Short answer: I’ve been through a lot. It messed me up a lot. I don’t always know my own reality and have to check with my videos, notes, text messages, and those I DO trust, to inform me of what is real. It’s a funny thing, to not trust yourself at all. So those I do put my faith in, I put absolute faith in. There is no room in my life for anyone who isn’t able to be truthful with me.

I think people would agree with me, there is zero reason for telling me something that is not true. That is a risk free behavior. I can agree to disagree. I have seen and done a LOT in my life, which lends me a mindset that is flexible and doesn’t judge. Even if you lie to me and I find out or you tell me, we can work through it. I’ve always been this way.

Until now. There is, in fact, a line a person can cross that is no longer okay. I will NOT be manipulated. I will not have my emotions yanked around. I will not be talked into things. I will not simply agree with someone, to avoid a conversation. I will not be TRICKED. I will not tolerate being used as a weapon against someone else. I will NEVER be a pawn in someone else’s game, never again.

I need people around me that I can rely on, when I am not okay. Those people must have my trust. Must. So that I can be safe. Maintaining my quality of life, means KNOWING that people have my back. Like I have thiers. MY heart isn’t a toy, my emotions are not strings to pull, to puppeteer me. I am human being, real, living, breathing, and trying desperately to heal before my life is over. I have feelings. I want to know what it is like to be alive and loved and not TERRIFIED of the people around me. To live in peace.

I will no longer give implicit trust to someone who hasn’t proven they can be trusted. I will not jump in to save a drowning person I barely know. I will not get super close and reveal my vulnerabilities in the first month of knowing someone. Ive done those things all of them, and more, because I have a good heart, because I don’t see the bad things in a person when I meet them, only the beauty of that soul. Because I never want to see anyone else in discomfort if I can help. Because it’s the “right and good” way to be, open and sharing with others. Maybe it is “right”. Maybe this means I’m not a “good person”. But, I feel okay about this decision. I have been doing the self sacrifice game my whole life to every single person I meet. Most of the time, what I get back is heart ache. I can’t take anymore. So, I’m done.

No. Not with people. I’m done with not protecting myself, with worrying so much about someone else, and scrambling to meet their needs, while they play on my emotions to make me jump through rings of fire just to keep my in a heightened, negative emotional tornado. I’m clumsy and prone to being very flammable. This doesn’t work for me anymore. I can barely keep myself afloat many days.

Does that mean I’ve finally become jaded? I don’t know. My youngest, who is now 17, informed me that I’m ALLOWED to be that way for a while, to be angry. He said that it’s okay to feel all the feels about it, even the ones that make me think I’m a bad person. He also said it should only be for a while, as I heal, as no contact gets easier. He was concerned that my “sparkle is missing.”

That’s what started the conversation. Oh my kids know me too well. He believes that if I allow myself to feel those emotions, the bitterness I feel will fade and leave behind the memory so I don’t forget to protect myself. It’s amusing, but awe inspiring, that my wonderful kid, already knows these things. It’s sad that he has had to learn them by watching me go through my shit. I do hope that it will guide him to not make the same mistakes I have.

I do not like how I feel these days. Like there is something sickly, dark, and pulsing inside of me. But, I think it will get better.

This is the first time I have ever directly shut the door on a relationship with no explanation or opportunity for any further manipulation. I don’t like how I feel. But, I am glad that I have learned enough and worked on myself enough to FINALLY see the patterns and run like hell from the red flags. Because I used to see the whole world through rose colored glasses. When you live that way, the red flags don’t look red.

Through rose colored glasses,
the red flags aren’t red.

So, I’ve temporarily switched out my rose colored glasses for green ones. The same concept applies, right? I don’t want ANY flags for a while. I don’t even want to see green ones. I’m staying in My Castle, taking the time to find myself again. To heal. In time, I will change out my glasses for crystal clear lenses. But, for now, I really just want to be in the peace of my solitude outside of my very small circle. I don’t mind it being small. Because I trust everyone in it, implicitly with my life, and the lives of the others in the group.

Why then am I posting it for the world to see? I don’t even know you, right? Because I hope it will be helpful or useful to someone someday and because I’m also over worrying about what the people of the internet might think of me. I want to tell my truths. I don’t really care if anyone reads it or likes it. I don’t care if someone hates it, either. Leave a mean comment or such and I will simply delete it. I don’t give a rat ass if people don’t like me or think I’m wrong or don’t think I’m a good person. This helps me to process, the writing, the sharing, helps me to understand myself more deeply and get over being afraid someone won’t like me. But, the only important reason I need to give anyone is “…. Because I want to.”

I know that my mind is always afraid of ridiculous things. However, I am particularly afraid of being manipulated or tricked. That is reality. That is a REAL danger. I need to learn how to guard against it and turn it away before it ever has a chance to open its mouth. That is what I am working on.

Don’t worry. I can’t hide my sparkle for very long. If I do, someone in my family will dump glitter on my head and that will be the end of that.

If you can’t find your inner sparkle, it’s fine. Amazetsy has plenty you can buy. 😉

To All of You, From All of Us, here at:

~ Chrys’ NeighborHead ~

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

A Breakdown in Logistics, Technical Difficulties, and Art Supply Deficiencies.

Breakdown in Logistics: AKA “Omg this sucks.”

I have been super sick for about a week. I take a medication called Ozempic. I have diabetes, with lots of comorbidities. Keeping my A1C in check is VITAL. Ozempic works wonders for me. On a very low dose of a weekly injection, and the removal of sugar from my coffee, it took my A1C from 11.6 to 5.9 between June 2019 and March 2020. It has stayed there.

Except for those times when it is on back order for weeks at a time. When I have to go off of it because I cannot get any, it makes me sick. The longer I am off it, the more sick I get when I go back on it. This go round, I was off it for a few weeks, and even though I only did half the dose, it made me very ill. For several days, I was “grounded” to my bed. Anytime I am bed bound, it takes me a while after I can get up again to be able to move as freely as I was before I got confined.

I do always get out of bed as soon as I can, or sooner than I should, if you ask those who love me would tell you. My body has a lot of issues that are relapsing and remitting and for the most part, it is out of my control. That’s a hard thing to deal with in life, and takes a lot of patience and acceptance from myself of my limitations. Something a lot of people don’t understand. We could talk about that at length. I’m sure we will along the way.

Point is, I had a logistics breakdown in the ability to move myself to my workspace and was busy gathering spoons. 🥄 🥄 🥄

No. Just No. Today sucks. I couldn’t even keep my Princess crown on my head. Just NO!

Technical Difficulties: AKA “This Too Shall Glitch”.

My filming device is being ridiculous with me. I have plenty of cloud storage and enough space on the device to record and keep those recordings on that device. However, I do not have enough space to keep everything on the particular device. So I spend several hours this weekend, disconnecting that device from the cloud. I simply wanted to upload items from the device to the cloud. I don’t want it to download anything on the cloud from my other devices at all, because that device just doesn’t have enough room.

I’m pretty tech savvy. Yes, I turned it off and back on. 😏 In my previous life, tech was my career. I’m not completely newb status on this. However, I could not find a sufficient means of doing the only upload version of what I wanted.

So, I changed tactics. With trembling fingers, in abject fear of LOSING PHOTOS AND VIDEOS, I disconnected that one device from the cloud. Something went wrong. What? I do not know yet. But, it froze for the whole day doing its thing. I would unlock the screen and it would yell at me like someone in a bathroom stall I just accidentally tried to invade saying “BUSY HERE! I’ll be done tomorrow. Keep this app open and lock the screen behind you.” Catty wench. But, sometimes, technology has a bitchy day. Whatever. (Yes, I talk to my devices as if they are human, also my animals, myself and pretty much everything. I spend a lot of time by myself. lol.)

The next morning, hooray it finished whatever it was doing. So I then spent hours of that day and the next, deleting everything I didn’t need from only THAT PHONE. I checked and checked and double triple chocolate checked, that as I deleted items they were NOT being deleted from other devices. All was fine. Though it took forever for it to finish that process.

Monday, all seemed fine. But, I didn’t record much. Still a bit tired from being sick, I worked on redrawing the design for the coffee sign I’m DIY redoing and recorded some timelapses of that. I got some work done around the house. Took my shot again. I do them on Monday nights. Tuesday mornings my tummy is a wreck. Had some McDonald’s and watched Bourne Supremacy with the Hubs, and we had a nice evening of me being as still as possible while holding a small trash bucket on the bed. Just in case of …. Well. Being sick. We’ll leave it there.

I woke up Tuesday morning, feeling not so bad in the tummy, but a bit cruddy from the weather. I wanted to do a little recording. However, when I got to my device, I saw that it has photos on it I took the day before. That is not supposed to be occurring. Then, I panicked. Because everything I deleted from that phone was NOT stuff I want to lose. I just don’t want it taking up room on that device. Why is this so hard? I check my main device and sure enough, everything I have deleted from that device is now sitting in the recently deleted folder on it as well.

I thought perhaps I could go to the cloud, and simply download everything in the recently deleted folder onto my external drive. Nope! No. Of course not. I have to restore everything before it gets deleted after 30 days. Then try this entire process again. Technical difficulties, friends. It can take up some serious time.

Art Supply Deficiencies: AKA “Chrys needs to Amazon!”

I have been trying to determine WHAT to use to paint this glass. So, I did some experimenting:

There is acrylic paint, chalk marker, sharpie, watercolor, and gallery glass paint on this. I will all come back off, so I just tried to see what I have that will give me the result I want.

My result is : I have an ART SUPPLY DEFICIENCY and I need to solve it. Lol. I DO have other glass projects I want to do, so I need to buy some. I’m not buying them for just one project. Though, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done that. Lol.

Anyway, I discovered that I actually have the old formulation and packaging of gallery glass, that came in little pots just like you would get for kids stained glass art (though I do those too.)

This is a thick formula and it is VERY difficult to apply correctly with a brush (or anything else, including my fingers.)

The new formula comes in bottles that you apply the paint from directly. Thats why it is not working how I want. So, solution? Buy the new formula. I had to wait to get my allowance, so I can buy Gallery Glass paint. I will order that today.

In the meantime, I decided to remove the masking film that got messed up and start over. I traced the design on paper and using my cricut bright pad. Then, I flipped the paper over and retraced it on the back after smacking my forehead for not tracing it reversed in the first place.

Tracing the image from the glass to the paper.

At this point, I wasn’t feeling well, and started to doodle. And before I knew it I had added to the design. When I was satisfied, I placed that under a piece of masking film and using the bright pad, traced the new design onto the masking film. I really love it.

Flipped image. Plus, some cleaner details and additional prettiness. Also, my hubs name is Joe and he has made sure I have a cup of coffee every morning, since he met me, and these days, I wake up to it on the warmer by my bed. Every morning, my Joe gives me a Cuppa Joe. So, I thought that would be cute.

Today, I will finish removing the paint from the glass and place the film on it and begin to carefully “fussy cut” out the design. When the paint arrives, I can move forward on this.

Just an interesting aside, I started this project on August 1st, 2018. This is how the item looked when I bought it.

Brown background, black frame, semi-transparent white paint, that was scratched in several places. Boring!!!

In the meantime, I’m also working on a Valentine’s Day gift for my wonderful Husband of a quarter century. As an artist, my husband pretty much expects that my gifts to him will ALMOST NEVER be on time. You cannot rush art. So, unless I’m buying him something, which is rare because what do you get the man who just buys what he wants? It’s become harder. You figure out 25 years of gifts for the same person and tell me you don’t start to run out of ideas!! I think he prefers my artsy gifts anyway.

Am I doing other stuff? Absolutely! Always! But, this is all the time I have for posting today as it IS Valentine’s Day. I hope everyone gives and receives love today. Like every other day, just with yummy chocolates! Wait. That’s every day for me… well, just ya know, have a good day!

To All of You, From All of Us, here at:

~ Chrys’ NeighborHead ~

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

Art!!! Friday through Saturday and some chit chat.

Hello friends and strangers!! I’m back!!

Friday, January 26th, 2024

More Cake! Never enough cake, right? Unfortunately, I had technical difficulties this day and none of my times lapse footage for this session was usable.

The art has been slow the past few days. The reason for this is two fold: weather has got me moving slower and some brain fog going on, and the Spoons I have had, I have been putting in to “active work”. Cleaning, organizing, getting stuff done that has been waiting for a very long time for me to be mentally stable and physically able enough to get them done. I’ve had a meds change of sorts, so I am trying to adjust to that and using more non-prescription methods for handling the symptoms.

I am quite shocked some days, especially lately, at the levels of energy and focus and physical ability I have had the last couple of weeks, despite (or maybe because of) the meds issue. Especially during this time of year. But, it might also have something to do with my New Year’s resolution. I haven’t talked about that just yet. I’ll get there. But, I do a one word resolution every year since 2016. This years word is :

“UNCOMFORTABLE”

So, perhaps that is lending me a little bit of extra “GO”. Or maybe it’s just a lack of external chaos in my life. Who knows? Certainly not me. All I know is I’m doing really well on the home front, as far as cleaning up, declutterering, and reorganizing every space in my house, and in my cube. Don’t worry though. I do art every single day. I just have to be wise about where my abilities are in every moment and put the energy where I can.

I also started on a trim on my hair. I’m not satisfied yet. I take off tiny amounts until I like it. I don’t WANT to trim off as much as I am going to have to. But, it will grow better once I do. My hair is longer than it has been since before I met my husband in August of 1997. I almost always do my own hair cutting, and coloring. When I don’t, I regret it. I’ve done the layers already. I just need to take the remaining damage off at the bottom. So, I want to cut it blunt across the back. I don’t usually do this. But, as long as my hair is, I think it will work out well.

Saturday, January 27th, 2024

Ahhh. Yes. Thats good ‘nuff. Time to erase it all and draw it again. Does that sound strange? Well, me too. Me too. In fact, it’s been said that I am more of a subtractive artist than an additive artist. I’m still trying to figure out how to EXPLAIN that. However, I have it on good authority that most artists draw this way so….. you’ll see in the timelapses, that I use the eraser as much as the actual pencil. I AM working on learning how to do better video and such. Bear with me, I’m “doing it badly” until it starts to come out right.

I have been working on this little project for a few YEARS. That’s what I said. Years. I often start projects, and run into some kind of barrier to completing them. Usually, it’s because I LOSE something that I need for it, and once I find it, I’ve lost some other part of the project. That WASNT the case for this project. Lol. What occurred was I couldn’t figure out HOW to fix the glass. I bought this from the dollar tree. It’s a shadow box frame. The goal was to simple put a cute background in it. Then, I wanted to paint the frame. In the process of doing this, the paint on the glass got scratched. I tried various ways to fix it. But, I couldn’t get a good match on the color. So, I pulled out all of the white/cream nails polishes. Not only did they not match, but the nail polish actually REMOVED more of the paint and made it look worse. So, I put it aside until I could find a solution.

The solution I came up with: I’ve been using blue masking film with my art for a while now. An example:

This was a Kit and Clowder class I completed in April last year. I use the film to protect the paper from my incessant smudging. Especially with waxed based mediums. Cutting out the portion I working on, allows and then replacing it, allows me the freedom to get messy. I enjoy messiness as long as it doesn’t ruin my work. This is the same masking film I am using on the glass.

The issue was “how to fix the paint” without losing the image. Solution: blue masking film. Cut out the image. Now, I’m going to remove the paint with some acetone and repaint it. The masking film will, prevent the paint from getting on the cup and letters. I have several options for repainting it. I have acrylic paint, nail polish, and even some (old. I don’t know if they are still good.) Gallery Glass Paints.

I don’t know how this part will come out, yet. This is my favorite part of all things creative. Not knowing exactly what you are going to do, and just sitting down and letting the creativity FLOW. It’s one of those, pull out all possible options, and just get “messy” and see what happens. However, the frame itself is white. And the background I made so long ago, is cute, but I don’t know if it will match whatever I do with the glass. Plus, it’s a little wrinkly from sitting around all this time. So, I may redo it. It’s currently looks like this:

And the frame looks like this:

So, once I see what the glass looks like when I’m finished, I’ll know if I need to redo the background. Which is just cardboard with a cute piece of scrapbook paper, covered with glittery (of course) mod podge. Once the glass is done and the background maybe redone, I will put it all back together, with the addition of fairy lights inside the frame. I MAY add some pieces of paper quilling to the inside or even the outside of the frame. I have tons of pieces that are stored away that might fancy it up. But, that is just a maybe.

I’ll be back with an update at the end of the day. I’m thinking I will post this tomorrow, Monday. I’m thinking of doing two posts a week with art stuff. Maybe Wednesday or Thursday for week days. And then, Monday, for what I do on the weekend. I will eventually be posting much more than art stuff. But, I’m taking this as it comes, as my spoons allow. I’m also writing this post as I go, to make it easier on myself.

I’m also staying here, on WordPress. I know in the past, these posts have crossposted to other social sites, including some I did NOT mean for it to. (Ahem. Tumblr.) So, they MAY still be going to other places, but I’m not checking those or being on them right now. I’m just staying here. Eventually I WILL set up things to cross post correctly. So, if you are seeing this elsewhere, and want to comment, you should probably come here directly, because I most likely won’t see it on another platform for a while.

Sunday, January 28th, 2024

I started out the morning, completely unfocused. It happens that way sometimes. Especially when I don’t sleep well.

I have spent the day :

Creating a white surface to lay under my work when I’m filming. I used foamcore board (I can make nearly anything out of foamcore board. lol.), double sided tape, a few sheets of plain printer paper, and packing tape. I did a great job and made it sit perfectly inside the tapes lines. The thing is, I created it to cover the camera angle the camera was currently in on the mount it was on. So, it’s perfect. Though I know it won’t last for long. It’s white paper and I’m a clutz.

And THEN….. the camera mount sort of fell over. And my dear hubs asked me, “why are you using this one when you have the big over head one here?” My reply: “Well, because at the time, I had no way to see what was happening on the video, because the over head was … over my head. So, I moved it to the tabletop mount, so that I can see it by just standing up. But, I have been setting up and fiddling with my remote filming app today, so, we could just move that one back up there because I’ll be able to see it now.”

So, we decide to move it back up. In doing so, I realize that my white background no longer fits the frame. So, I’ll have to redo this or make another one. For now, I have just put white paper under it, to cover the rest of the video area. until I make another one or something.

As I just said, I spent a long time working with my remote video app, getting everything set up and reconnected and that took a while. I’ve set it up on four of my devices now. That’s the main two cameras, selfie and overhead, and my main phone as well as my A/V device.

I also spent a ton of time cleaning and organizing today. My hubs lovingly put together another tall shelf for me today, because as I clean, I need places to store things until I get an area clean to move things back into. The new shelf is halfway full already. I’ve also done laundry, cleared off the dog kennel so we can downsize his massive kennel and the kitchen counter that has been inaccessible and covered in plastic sheeting since my last rainbow hair dye project in February of 2021, is now cleared and the plastic removed. I also worked on the reorganization of my closet shelves, including getting rid of anything I don’t wear, isn’t comfortable, torn beyond saving, or that is no longer approved for wearing.

That’s a lot of clothes. Over 50% of my folded clothes have been thrown in the trash, or donation piles. I bought some small baskets. (Some = 6 packs of 5 of one size and 12 of another size.) They will be used to sort my clothes in my closet. I’ve been looking for the right baskets to do this part of my closet for EVAH! So, I’m making sure I get all my laundry washed. So, I can clean out everything. Next is my hanging wardrobe.

Baskets, SMALL baskets. I can’t wait to show you all my NEW way of “folding and putting up laundry”. Confession: of all the chores in the world, I’ll do almost ANYTHING before I do LAUNDRY. I HATE IT. Especially the folding and putting away. But, I recently read a book that has really changed my whole outlook on chores. All chores. So, I decided to test it out on the most difficult thing, the first thing I chose to apply this new wisdom to was LAUNDRY. If the new thinking in this book can help me get through this task, it will be a miracle. So far, it’s going pretty well.

Finally, I returned to my art when I could find some focus. I removed the remaining masking film, and then I used acetone, to remove the paint around the film. I had to rinse it in water a few times. Then, I wiped it squeaky clean with rubbing alcohol. I thought I was done with that part. Nope!!! Because in art, things go WRONG. It’s just a fact. Creative types don’t just create their craft, they have to do some serious critical thinking when something goes awry.

The low tack adhesive on the masking film, was affected by either the acetone or the isopropyl. The edges of my film, started to lift up and curl. The curling makes me think acetone was the problem. (I also had to take off my nail polish.) At first, I tried to tape OVER them and cut around to remove the extra tape. If I had used my brain, I would have realized that wouldn’t work sooner than I did. lol. I ended up using double sided scotch tape, and lifting up the edges that were peeling, I placed the tape under the peeling edges and then cut around the film to remove the extra tape. That worked well. Huzzah.

Oh NOOOOEEEEESSS! The edges are peeling up!!!

Double sided tape!!! Back in business!!!

By the time I finished with the art mayday, I was tired. So, I’m going to leave this post here. I wanted to publish it yesterday, however, it was just a bad day and I didn’t finish it.

More to come later in the week!!!

To All of You, From All of Us, here at:

~ Chrys’ NeighborHead ~

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

Art Post January 10-17 – Still catching up!!

I gave you all a big update yesterday to try and catch up. Let’s see if I can get this post down and posted before the day is out, hmm? Then, maybe I can get on track with a daily. Maybe.

January 10th, 2024

First, I made a video to explain why I didn’t seal the diamond painting that I completed and shipped to my youngest child’s S/O for Christmas. I could not seal that beautiful bling. However, I did send five blings in every color, tediously out in tiny ziplock bags, labeled with the symbols in case any fell off. I will show you the bling I mailed out.

Not great video. Still learning how to do this. It’s very hard to catch the sparkling on camera.

This bling is from Diamond Art Club (AKA DAC). The name is “Pink Mermaid”. The artist is listed as “Chibimica Art”. This piece was a square kit, full drill, with 33 colors and 3 AB’s. She is 16.5″ x 20.1″ (42cm x 51cm) in size and is composed of 33,000 individual drills. I absolutely LOVE her. But, she isn’t really my aesthetic in decor. I didn’t know who was going to be gifted this piece until I was almost done with her.

This is the video I made to explain the sealing issue.

Two different blings here. One is sealed with Mod Podge Gloss mixed with fine holographic glitter. The other is not sealed at all.

This is showing what happened when I tried to roll the sealed bling vs the not sealed one.

Next, on this day, I found a small chibi image that I I believe the artist name is yampuff. I had started to color this, probably a couple of years ago. I decided to color on it a little bit, but I couldn’t remember what markers I was using originally or the color scheme I was going for. So, I just grabbed markers that I still want to test out and I used them to color it.

Continued coloring with Spectrum Noir Sparkle Pens. They are chock full of glitter. Though you can’t see it on the photos very well. However, I’m NOT a fan of the brush tips on these. They have individual bristles, that will fan out while you use them, and they also become fluffy at the very tip. It makes it hard to keep clean lines. Another thing that makes it hard to keep clean lines, is that I was without some of my medication that day and my hands were shaking like there was an earthquake inside of my body. Not my best coloring. But it doesn’t really matter because I was just testing the markers. Lol.

She isn’t finished. But, that’s where I left her. Enjoy the Glitter.

January 11th, 2024

This day. I spent the majority of the day cleaning and organizing. I was still having trouble holding my pencils without pain. I did start my morning drawing but, I had to put it away pretty quickly.

The example of the final result I’m aiming towards.

January 12th, 2024

I worked on drawing the ice cream cone today and created a little time lapse for it. Here are some WIP photos. I am teaching myself to draw using two different books. I alternate between them. Book 1 is a lot more simple, so I can do those drawings in one day, usually. Book 2 is a bit more advanced. Each of the assignments in book 2 takes a few days. I have only been doing this since October 28th, 2023. So, just a few months. I’m a bit shocked at how fast I’m improving.

This isn’t the best angle at all. I’m still working on how to set up cameras. But, here’s a little time lapse for the day’s drawing.

January 13th, 2024

I did two little drawing sessions today.

BRAND NEW SKIRT!!! Dropped my 6B pencil on it. I hope it comes out. 🫤

I have another mount coming soon. I’m currently doing these Timelapse clips, using the DIY time I cobbled together from random stuff, in the below photo.

I didn’t MAKE this today. It was about two months ago. This is what I’m currently using to video up close shots. What is this Frankenstein thing? I took an old piece of a shelf, using Aleene’s Fast Grab Tacky Glue, and glued on a piece of brown felt, to stop it from scratching stuff I might put it on. Like Blings.
Then, I used hot glue on an old phone mount. Gave me a stable, up close camera view. Took me a while to figure it out how to accomplish this. By the time I actually created it, I was making final decisions on the mounts I wanted. So, better late than never?

Hot glued because suction cups despise me. Two different mounts cobbled together. The white part was a claw clip type. It was difficult for my hands to open. I got a ring magnet attachment and put it on the case. It didn’t stick at first. Locktite Superglue gel control fixed THAT. Grabbed another mount that I don’t use but is excellent as far as the magnet strength. I pulled that apart and put them together to create a magnetic mount.

This makes it super easy to switch out the angles. I’m using an IPhone 7plus here. No magback or Qi charging. The port on this phone was wobbly. I almost got rid of it. Then, I discovered those new cables that are magnetic. You place the dongle in the phone port and just leave it there. Then the cable just attaches magnetically. They are really great. I took a chance just to see if I could fix this phones port by stopping the wobble. The dongles actually fit pretty tightly in ports. And what you know? It worked. So, I cleaned off the phone. I use it solely as a camera now. This little board thing I made really works out for using a super old device.

It’s going much better than expected. This is a technique I used often. For coloring mesh, scales on dragons or mermaids, fishnet stockings…. It frustrates me a lot. But, I MIGHT be getting better at it.

More up-close drawing. I don’t know if these videos or good or awful. But, they are fun to make.

Blending and building up the deep shadows. I’ll go back and add in highlights next. I want to really amp up the contrast.

This day, my husband also worked to put the rest of my table together. It was a JOB, because well, I bought parts that weren’t compatible with my desk. Still, my epic hubs made it work. I may make that its own post. If anyone is interested in seeing how he put together things that don’t go together and why, let me know in the comments.

This desk is so BEAUTIFUL, in both form and functionality and ergonomically. I’ve been looking for the right desk for YEARS.

I might post it even if you don’t wanna hear it. lol. I did a lot of helping him with that, as well as cleaning and setting up the trays themselves. I also got all of Christmas properly packed away. It was a busy day. But, so worth it. I also got in one of two new overhead mounts I got off Amazon. So, I really only worked on this one drawing today. It was cleaned off and set up beautifully for me to walk to the next morning. The feeling was so good. It felt good emotionally, mentally, aesthetically, it was just an amazing feeling. I can’t tell you how amazing my husband is for giving me this gift for Christmas. It’s kind of everything.

#BetterThanYesterday Card of the week.

I mentioned these cards in my last Art post. A friend bought them for me for Christmas.

My oldest is always telling me “you try to cram too much into your routines, in one day. You CANT do it all. Spread it out a bit.”

So, instead of doing a card every day, I’m going to do a card a week. (That’s a goal. Probably not a reality.) So, here is the first card, and what I did with it last week.

Front of Card (you KNOW you are hearing Nickleback, too. Don’t deny it.)

The back of the card tells you what to do….

I found this photo on my Facebook account. I hadn’t seen it in years. It was taken on a blackberry so the resolution sucked. Instead of trying to sharpen it, my friend softened the entire photo and took out the background for me. I am going to paint the frame I just haven’t got there yet. This photo of my youngest and their dad, is timeless. Sitting on our porch swing and eating ice cream. Most people don’t know my husband well. They don’t really see this side of him. I get to see it all the time. So do his kids. But, if ever there was a photo that shows this man enjoying his life, this is the one. I am so grateful to the powers that be, that THIS is the man who found me and became my everything. I couldn’t have ever asked for more.

So, that’s my first little inspirational card. It does say to share it with the hashtag. So I’ll do that.

#BetterThanYesterday186

To All of You, From All of Us, here at:

~ Chrys’ NeighborHead ~

Have a Beautiful Day!!!

Another Bloganuary Answer

If you could un-invent something, what would it be?

I think I would uninvent opioids. I’m on them. Have been for years. I want OFF. The whole country is going through shortages of various meds. People don’t get it. I’ve been on the same dose for almost ten years. The only time it has changed is when I was able to reduce them after starting treatments with CBD. The problem is, they keep haves shortages and I can’t get the medication in the correct dosages. This means I’m bouncing around to whatever dosages/mg in those drugs that are available at the time.

I want OFF this rollercoaster. So I’m deep dive researching. There HAS to be another way.

Oops. I Did It Again…

This post is too long for Instagram. So, I’m posting it here in order to create a link for the full story. It is my HOPE to start posting here more often and find an easy way to automate cross posting to Instagram. But, this should work for now.

Today, I’m sharing a personal story, which I haven’t done in a while, involving mental health. It’s pretty long, so please follow the link to read the full post on my word press blog if you wish.

I’ve mentioned that I am going through a severe manic episode. It’s really screwing with me, to say the least. I’m lucky and blessed to have the support system I do.

I honestly try very hard to not let social media become a major part of my life as it used to be. In fact, there are very few reasons I even get on social media. This isn’t something many people get about me. I use social media very DIFFERENT from most folks, including how I USED to myself. I keep up with a few friends, and the people in my immediate family.

Mostly, I come to social media to INSPIRE and to BE INSPIRED. Encouragement, positivity, mindfulness, peace, art, uplifting thoughts, and of course, animals being funny. … these are the things I seek out on social media. I don’t find social media to be that “social”. I don’t really stay on it all the time and know what everyone is going through. Honestly, I feel like it’s not my business. I know I miss a lot. But, I feel like if it’s important enough, a person would probably DM me or text me. Basically, I’m pretty busy just trying to LIVE my life IRL to have my head up everyone else’s butts. All that to say, the worse off I am, the LESS time I spend on socials. It’s better for me to create, clean, cuddle, and focus on what is real in my life, what I can CONTROL.

But, today, I want to share a PERSONAL moment with you all.

(TL:DR VERSION? I had a really bad moment and destroyed a piece of art I was working on and some art supplies.)

……I used to, many years ago, allow myself to get so upset, and not having the skills I have now, that I would DESTROY something in my rage. It had to go somewhere and the truth is, my anger was really in the category of abusive.

However, whenever I broke something it was, with a few exceptions, something that belonged to ME. Usually something the person involved KNEW was important to ME. Often, it was something I had CREATED. Then, after the incident, I would feel AWFUL. I still don’t know WHY I did this. Who goes around destroying their own stuff when they are upset with someone ELSE? Well, ME! I didn’t know better. It’s not an excuse, just a fact. I MADE MYSELF LEARN AND PRACTICE BEING BETTER. I didn’t want to live my whole life hurting people and myself that way. So, I made progress. But, as is often stated, practice does NOT mean perfection. It had been MANY MANY years since this kind of rage hit me and I acted out in this way, until a few weeks ago.

I had been working on 2 different versions of the same image for over a year. The first being my “test” and the second being the “final version”. I was working on the final one evening. I don’t even remember what day. I was dealing with some super heavy emotions involving my youngest child, and the pain a parent goes through when they realize they have missed teaching their child some key lessons and they gotta fix that. I was feeling so… bitter and angry and like a complete failure as a mother. So, I sat down to work on some coloring with the intent of soothing my mind and heart.

Somewhere in the middle of it, I burst into tears. Without a second of thought, I picked up my page, and ripped it to pieces. Then, being even more upset that I did that, I grabbed all the crayons I was using for that color scheme and broke them into bits and pieces. I then threw everything across the room and cried harder than I have cried since an incident with my oldest in 2016. I cried for so so long. What did destroying these things do for me? NOTHING. Except to make myself feel even WORSE.

I still don’t know how I lost control of my emotions badly enough that I did that. I have been so mad at ME. Possibly, it was simply the intensity of the emotion, combined with the high level of mania? I don’t know. But, I do know, I absolutely regret it. Luckily, I still have a few photos of the piece that include my favorite part; wings that somehow look similar to my favorite painting, Starry Night. I don’t know if I will ever be able to recreate them. I’m sad about it. I can’t even FIND all of the pieces to try to tape them back together as a reference. I have been feeling so much shame. It feels like I took a massive step backwards in my mental health and in my ability to have self control. This is part of the reason I haven’t been posting.

But, if had a niggling thought in my mind since it happened that maybe I should SHARE this story. This experience. I don’t really know why. I’ve been trying to open up more on social media about my life and some of the struggles I have. I guess my hope is that whoever reads this may feel less alone, and know that recovery IS possible.

I’m also posting it because though I’m still very upset about it, I know that I need to give myself some compassion. I’ve had a really rough time recently and experienced some new trauma in the past year. I haven’t had an incident like this in many years. I should love myself enough to forgive my outburst and move on. The truth is, once upon a time, that destruction would have occurred with screaming and fighting and in the presence of (or with the thing I chose to break flying near the head of) others. This was in private. There was no argument. It didn’t hurt anyone but myself. THAT, for me, IS progress! I’m not perfect.

👉🏻So I’m no longer seeking perfection as much as I used to because I understand now that perfection is only an illusion and it doesn’t actually EXIST, so it’s a futile effort to strive for. It only serves to ensure I will NEVER be happy.👈🏻

I’m not okay with what I did. What I was working on was beautiful. It’s gone now. As for the crayons, well, I have multiple full sets of crayola crayons because I couldn’t imagine ever NOT having my crayons. I’m just glad I didn’t take my feels out on something else like my prismacolors or my markers. I’ve moved on from the incident the best I can.

I went ahead and FINISHED out the “test” image. It’s pretty. But, I was really just using it to test out colors and various techniques and blending methods. Note: I ONLY really blended the green fairy skin. The rest I pretty much left alone. I worked on it a few days, because my hands are hurting a lot this past few weeks and holding my PENCILS was a no go. Crayons are much easier to use when they hurt like this. I WAS working on marker classes because the markers are bigger in my hand, and require no pressure to use. BUT, I had this whole snafu trying to find refill ink.

I finally ordered from the Crafters Companion site, after contacting them and letting them know that TRUE BLACK was not even listed in the online store. I ordered everything (25 bottles of refills cost a good chunk of change. But, worth it!). I needed on 4/29. They arrived YESTERDAY. I did end up with 2 bottles of LY2 and no LY1. Hopefully that gets sorted easily.

Anyway, I ended up coloring other things till the ink arrived. I will post them shortly. In the end, I have decided I have done all of the “testing” I need to do and I’m ready to print this image on Express-IT Marker paper and another on Canson Mi Tientes for pencil. I’m ready to move forward with my work on this page, as I am attempting to create a specific look to bring characters to life from a story I am writing, visually. It’s a long term project that I may be working on the rest of my life. Perhaps I would not be moving forward had I not destroyed the second version.

All I know is, that day, I was a LESSER version of myself than I strive to be. I fell back into an old pattern of behavior and it took a lot for me to move past that. I just want to be open about my experiences and struggles. I don’t want my feed to be full of nothing but “happy highlights”. I want to let people know that I have struggles just like everyone else. I want you all to know you are NOT alone. You have to fight for every moment of joy in your life, and often you will fall short. I KNOW that feels unfair! It often feels like we have to WORK harder than everyone around us to just do the bare minimum required in life. It often feels like everyone else is doing so well and LIVING their life, while we are stuck in survival mode. But, I PROMISE, you are NOT alone. Think of how often and how well you “mask” or “hide” what you are going through. There are people all around you who are doing the very same thing. I know you are trying. I know you want to do better. I know you feel like you will never measure up. The truth though is, that most of the time, you are only falling short of the PERFECTION you are demanding from yourself!

Most importantly, it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since you have “failed” in some specific way. You MIGHT find yourself in a “failure” in the present or the future. It HURTS when we don’t live up to what we believe is the best version of ourself. But, when that day comes, you have options.

You can give up, beat yourself up, isolate yourself, and not try to move forward, getting stuck in the loop of negativity.

You can recognize that you only SLIPPED up. It was just a moment. It’s not forever. You are NOT BACK AT DAY ONE just because you let yourself down. We all have bad days. We all have times when we slip into actions that we thought we had overcome long ago.

Please please please GIVE YOURSELF COMPASSION!!! Soothe your soul. Find a way to forgive yourself and move forward. Please don’t believe that you have to start all over again. You have not unlearned everything that has brought you this far already. You still have everything you need inside you to continue moving forward. It’s simply a matter of accepting that you made a mistake. We all do. Mistakes are how we learn how to do better every time we make one.

As I say these things to YOU, I am also speaking to MYSELF.

I’ve tormented myself over this for weeks. It’s not even about the loss of my piece of art. It’s about the fact that I lost control and didn’t stop, breathe, and use my other coping skills. But, I have to realize that beating myself up over it is NOT productive. I have to give myself permission to move forward. No one else can do these things FOR ME. It’s internal work.

Sure, everyone around me has encouraged me, and loved me, and told me …. everything I just said. But, it really means nothing if I don’t believe it for myself.

That’s the message I want YOU, reader, to understand. YOU are NOT a failure. YOU have to forgive yourself. You must be KINDER to yourself when you make a mistake than when you are doing well. That’s when you need you to be loving to YOU the most.

I’ll be refilling markers today, and shortly posting my art from the time I have been away. I’m still deep in the madness of mania. This is probably the worst event that has occurred since the mania hit. So, while I am still here off and on, I am still minimizing my social media time.

I hope this finds you well, and if not, I hope it helps you in some small way.